Scared

For those who know me, being scared isn’t an emotion I often portray.  Having survived my struggles with cystic fibrosis and receiving my new lease on life at age 33, I thought that only better days were ahead.  The thought that I would one day be back in this position – waiting for the evaluation, waiting to be listed, waiting for “the call” – never occurred to me prior to my first transplant.  At that time, I was full of hope and assuredness that the transplant would eventually happen and all would be well.

When I look back on that time now, I feel quite silly not knowing what I should have known. Prior to my first transplant, my main concern was receiving new lungs and having the ability to breathe freely.  Unfortunately, naivety can happen when you’re too self confident. And although I’d like to blame my lack of knowledge on those charged with feeding information to me prior to transplant during all the “What-to-Expect” workshops and  the like, it was my responsibility to know the basic challenges of receiving such a gift before accepting it.

So today, nearly six years after my first transplant, I’m faced with the incredible task of bilateral lung transplant all over again due to the chronic rejection of which I was shamefully unaware.  Having been on this downward cycle for nearly two years, I know all too well that things aren’t going to get better without another life saving miracle.  And I’m scared.  Scared that the evaluation won’t go well, scared that I won’t be listed, and scared that I won’t receive “the call” that lungs are available.  But mostly, I’m scared of what will happen to my family if I don’t receive another chance.

 

2 thoughts on “Scared

  1. Sandra Goff says:

    Hi Anya,
    Your mother and Roger are friends of mine. I love them both and know how much they love you. i also was one of “Anya’s Angels” and still have my t-shirt. I retired 2 years ago and haven’t seen your mom and Roger since that time. Your mom and I have stayed in touch through Facebook. She left me a message today telling me to read your blog. I have read every bit of this beautiful blog and want you to know that I am heart broken that you are having to go through this again !! I can not even imagine how you are feeling but I do know that you are one of the strongest people I have known !! You will win this battle as you did the first time !! I will be keeping you close to my heart in thought and prayer !! If I can ever help you, I would be honored to do so. Stay strong, Sweet Lady !!

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